First of all, Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a great Christmas celebration and a fun New Year’s Eve. I can’t believe that I survived a year of heavy turbulence, both emotionally and psychologically. Just surviving everything from anxiety to depression is for me is one of the greatest achievement in my entire 2021. I learned a lot not just from the experiences but also more of myself. These experiences has actually uncovered my true self. I’ve also learned to open up to some people around me and that it’s alright to allow myself to be vulnerable. Because when we allow ourselves to show our weaknesses to those who care for us, we are giving them our trust and showing them how important they are in our lives. I admit that it’s never easy for me to show my emotions. In some days, I can find some emotions like for instance happiness overwhelming. I know right? Being happy should feel just right, but for me sometimes it can be too much that I experience high pulse or worst- a panick attack. I remember the time when someone told me a good news and I got excited and happy but I suddenly felt that I needed to run away and hide in the bathroom because I was about to hyperventilate. My nervous system is always on guard-which I appreciate. But I find it really exhausting and energy draining. Coping with anxiety and its friends is energy draining because it requires concentration and the will to let go of the trigger.
This morning I woke up full of gratitude despite the fact that I only slept five hours. I was motivated to do the tasks on my to-do list and to finally start my new year resolutions. Guess what in just a snap, all that motivation is gone and I got defeated by my reaction to a mini conversation about a topic that is a bit sensitive to me. I got devastated because I failed not only myself but also the people who cares for me. Well, there’s no direct consequence to them but it can affect them somehow because that’s how relationship works and I’m not denying the fact that I’m not good in communicating my weak side. Communication is not just about conveying the good message to others. It’s also letting someone know about your bad days as well or letting them know how upset you are because of their attitude.
One of my new year’s resolution for 2022 is to practice gratitude and at the same time to get real about my emotions. I started doing this during the last week of 2021 and it actually helps. By writing down what I’m thankful for helps me to focus on my love ones/friends/family instead of longing for the things that I don’t need. Then, by getting real about emotions and what’s on my mind and actually sharing them with those dear to me, I’m actually letting go of that negativity. It’s not an easy task because it requires that I open up to them even if it means that they’ll react negatively. I just need to be rational and keep my head cold (easy said than done!).