Trapped Inside

I never thought that a time would come that I would fear for my life. This was a new phenomenon to me. Should I seek help from the people around me or just pretend that I’m a brave woman?

Deep inside I was shouting for help. I thought that I’d drown in my own thoughts. Thank goodness it’s just in the mind. However, it has already taken my energy, a portion of my sanity and it has already left an invisible scar on me.

Sometimes I succeed in concealing my fears but most of the time I get caught by people close to me and when I tell them what is making me anxious or what is making me tremble, they would answer me with “why is that?” and laugh at the same time. Some told me that it’s only a product of overthinking and imagination.

As days went by, I started to isolate myself from the world. I hated the things that triggered my panic attacks. One of which is taking the express bus. I know it sounds ridiculous. Fear of taking the bus? Actually it’s not the bus that is the issue, but it is the thought that I don’t have control over the bus. Whenever I sat on the bus, it feels like I was sitting on a roller coaster.

My confidence went from a 100% to a 10%. I didn’t trust myself anymore and I started thinking that emotions made me weak. My health condition was not good either. The gastrointestinal problem that I had before came back because I was stressed by the thought of my panic attacks coming back. I was anxious about being afraid and what would happen if I lost control over something.

I went to a therapist because I wanted to put an end to this nightmare. I was sick and tired of negativity. To make the story short I got better. The therapist told me that my anxiousness was a phase in my life. My mind was on its defence mode because of the sad happenings that I experienced in my life lately and stress from work made it worse. So her advice is to go out and never allow fear and depression stop you from living your life. Being afraid is normal because it is our body’s way of warning us of dangers but it is up to us on how we are going to respond to the situation.

If you’re going to ask me how am I today, I’m absolutely better. I still have some of the irrational fears but I don’t get panic attacks anymore. I guess that my healthier lifestyle (which includes a balance diet, exercise, water and proper supplements) today is helping my mind to cope better with the negativity coming into my life. I also learned something from myself too that no matter how intimidating or nerve-racking the situation is, quiting is not in my vocabulary.

 

This post is my response to The Daily Post Daily Prompt Challenge, Panic.

Nature Photography Cured Me

Being out in the nature makes me feel free and contented. It makes me forget all the unnecessary things that I crave and it motivates me to be a better person. Before, I used to be dependent on people around me when it comes to hiking (traveling), because I was afraid to get lost and I didn’t trust myself. I was anxious about being alone in the woods for example.

As time goes by and with the help from my therapist, friends, family and partner I overcame my fear and anxiety. My love for taking pictures (photography) is also one of the major factors why I continue to walk and explore unknown territories.

Cannot Hide it Anymore

I have never been to a psychologist but I think my anxiety got worse. Worse because I find myself being stressed from the previous years happenings and events. Some of my plans did not turn out the way I wanted it because of the things that has happened. I think I am too weak to fight or I just let things be that way without giving a f***.

One of the things in my bucket lists a couple of years ago is to learn how to swim within a year or two. It is my second year now but I still cannot do the floating. I still have an issue with my fear of being in the water. I have aquaphobia but unlike before I can now go in the pool alone. My only problem now is that I cannot let go of the edge of the pool. Meaning, I only try/practice swimming holding the edge of the pool and when I try to let go, I really get nervous and anxious.

I am frustrated and I get sad everytime I get out of the pool. Sometimes I blame my parents for not teaching me how to swim when I was small. I also blame the bad things in the past which has triggered the fears that I am experiencing today. However, I am not giving up. I am just upset.