Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a great and awesome 2018! Mine was meaningful because of the birth of my baby. 🙂 I have no new year resolutions because it doesn’t work out for me but I always do my best to be a better version of myself every year.
It’s already December and it only means that Christmas is just around the corner. This weekend, hubby took out all our Christmas decors and we started to decorate our home. I’m very excited because this is the first time that I’m going to spend Christmas with my hubby and this will also my little one’s very first Christmas. In short, this is our first Christmas together as a family.
Last Friday, I had an exam in drug dosage calculation and I can say that it’s the most demanding and stressfull exam this semester because we can’t have any mistakes. I understand why the program requires us to master and to feel secure in our math because lives are at stake when we start working in the hospital. Just a single wrong unit or any wrong calculations can cost a patient’s life. In real life, this is just one of the tasks at work. Thus, we should be confident in what we do.
Before, I thought that the main purpose of getting a degree or education is to earn lots of money and get rich. I also thought that once I see more digits pouring into my bank account, I’d be happier and satisfied. I was wrong. Life is indeed more than money.
I’m not saying that I don’t need money though. My point is that once you put money as your only priority and goal, then you might wake up unsure of what really is your purpose in life and in your society.
Wow, I just turned 31 three months ago. It feels like my previous birthdays and I never feel that I got older. So what makes it feel the same? Well, my fashion sense, makeup, foods and my inner demons.
When I was young, I thought that people who are in their 30’s are very old and boring. And so I was telling myself all the time that I do not want to get old because I did not want to look old and live a boring life. However, I was wrong. My life, in a nutshell, is filled with colours. Yes, there were times that all I wanted was to vanish but it is just 1%, the rest is just good. The 1% that I am referring to is first my anxiety because there are times that I believed that I was going to die of my fears (irrational fears). And then second, I feel like some people around me are pressuring me when it comes to when hubby and I going to have kids.
I have learned that I cannot control whatever comes out of other people’s mouth. All I can do is to choose what I will or will not accept and to remember that I own my life and it is I who is in control of it and not them. The same goes to friendships. Before, I used to have hundreds of friends but as I get older I realized that what matters for me is the ones who are true and not the number. Then when it comes to my anxiety, I have realized that I am better at coping with it today. I also do not mind showing my what I feel to others because the more I hide my anxiety, the more it will dominate over me.
To sum up, I am beyond grateful for this life that I have. It may not be perfect but I can say that it has shaped me into a better woman that I am today, a good daughter, sister, citizen and a good partner.
I had a series of writer’s block lately. Some of my friends who are following my blog thought that I am taking a break from blogging because of my absence. They were wrong. It’s just that depressing thoughts were in the way and I just needed to reflect about it.
In just a span one week, I received two bad news. Deaths. The first one is my friend’s 2-year-old daughter who passed away because of severe asthma and the second news is the passing of two of my patients at work. My two patients died on the same day according to one of my colleagues. I got really sad because those two patients were close to me.
Death is inevitable. For the land of the living, it is a terrifying and depressing phenomenon. However, for those who have lost hope and for those who are in excruciating pain, death is salvation and a refuge.
May you rest in peace. I am sure that you are now in a better place.
I just finished writing today’s entry in my diary. I thought that I’m going to sleep but I was wrong. I’m not tired yet. Probably because I took a 2 hour “nap” after dinner. I’m at my parent’s place this Christmas. We had a quiet and solemn celebration, just the four of us which I really appreciate. I sent lots of Merry Christmas message on messenger and even had video calls with some of my friends and relatives in the Philippines. However, the smile on my face faded when I read about what happened to the one week old daughter of a friend. His daughter died on Christmas day because of liver and lung failure. Even though I never met or hold the baby, I felt that my chest tighten and suddenly I was breathing heavily. This should be one of the most happiest days of my friend’s life but it happened. I couldn’t say that much to him and do anything. I can’t give him a hug and let him cry on my shoulders. But thank God I have my words. Sleep well little angel.